I have for many years struggled about where to worship, that is go to church. As a clergy person myself I have found it very difficult to be in the congregation. Things just jump out to notice and comment on, and how I would do things. I guess that comes rather naturally since many other clergy have related the same to me. I have to work real hard to remind myself that I am present to worship God. I think for the most part I am able to do that. Yet there are times when it is nearly impossible something sets me off, more often than not a sermon, the music, or a liturgical act.
It has been close to 7 years since I regularly worshipped in a United Methodist congregation, (I am still connected to the UMC as a clergy person in full connection). That has been by intentional choice.
I have not found that as a consistent pattern the worship in a UMC fits my understanding of what should be taking place. All during my tenure as a United Methodist clergy person I have on at least a weekly basis worshipped in a Roman Catholic congregation or an Episcopal congregation. I tried to be incognito for the most part, entering at the last moment and leaving as quickly as possible with as little contact with folks as possible and especially the clergy.
I found that satisfying my spiritual need. But over the last 7 years that has not been the case at least in satisfying the need. Over the last 7 years I have not been part of a staff person in any capacity as a clergy person. This has left a huge hole in my spiritual life that I have not been able to satisfy. In truth I would say the hole has gotten larger and has had a very negative effect on my spiritual life.
I have in the last 3-4 years tried to fill that hole by becoming more active in a local Episcopal congregation. If there is a function at this church I am there. I attend consistently the Sunday celebration and the mid-week celebration. I attend the church school classes, the mid-week fellowship and special events. Yet at best I sense that I am only holding off the hole from getting larger.
My spiritual anxiety has only grown it seems.I think the reason for this is that I am not having a outlet for carrying out my full vocation, which means I feel constantly frustrated. This is despite I am active in a lot of ministry.
In maintaining my UMC connection it is very difficult to be fully involved with this Episcopal congregation despite all I am involved with already in the congregation. I wrestle mightily about this constantly, about what should be my next step. Should I give up my UMC connection? Should I join the Episcopal Church (TEC)? If so should I seek a place as a clergy person? Should I return to worshipping at a UMC? Or even seek a pastoral position in the UMC? The answer to all of these type of questions have strong positives and negatives no matter how I answer.
The tension between the UMC and TEC is not over doctrinal/dogmatic matters. There is little difference there.
Here is where the tension lies. The tension lies over my understanding of what my vocation is. Am I called to the parish ministry or something else? In what place can I best live out my specific vocation?
My vocation is to help folks grow into a deep spiritual life. I have for a long time been of the thought that the parish is not the place for this regardless of the denomination. Not that growth does not take place it does but not the type I am talking about. As a general rule the parish is a place that is overwhelmed with dealing with crisis. And I am eternally grateful that there is a emergency room to go to and folks who are called to that. But that is not my vocation.
I am aware that there are parishes that do more than that but I would contend they are rare at best. It is just the nature of the beast. As a accurate description parishes or not set up to do this and denominational leadership does not want them to be.
Historically that is why monasteries, religious orders (including Third orders), religious congregations, spiritual fellowships, etc. arose. They arose to meet a real spiritual need and movement of the Holy Spirit.
This is exactly why Wesley started Methodism within the Anglican Church. The Anglicans did not make room for this movement regardless of what revisionist Anglican historians say now. Methodism jump to a denomination itself has been less than successful in regard to doing what Wesley started it for. There are many of us who question if one can be a Wesleyan and a UM at the same time. One might could argue rather strongly that the Anglicans are now the ones who offer the best possibility of being a Wesleyan yet this is not a cake walk by any stretch of the imagination. However, I would argue rather strongly that the very nature of Wesleyan thought and other such holiness movements can best work within a denomination and not as a denomination. However local congregations, much less whole denominations, do not have open arms in this regard.
Then the ultimate question for me is what, where,and how.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)